Why Don’t We Get Drunk And Sue

“Mom sues preschool for not prepping 4-year-old for Ivy League”

This sounds like a headline you’d read in The Onion. But this story isn’t satire, it’s real. 

In a nutshell, a Manhattan mother is suing a preschool for jeopardizing her 4-year-old daughter’s chances of getting into an elite private elementary school and, in the future, the Ivy League. According to the lawsuit, the preschool promised to “prepare her daughter for the ERB, an exam required for admission into nearly all the elite private elementary schools.”  The mother was appalled that the preschool was teaching her 4-year-old daughter shapes and colors and allowing her to interact with younger children in “one big playroom”.  The child was pulled out of the preschool after only 3 weeks and now her mother is suing the preschool to get back her $19,000 tuition.   (You can read the full story here.)

This is one crazy story and many people have very strong opinions about it. Some people are disgusted that a mother is suing a preschool because she thinks now her daughter may not get into an Ivy League college.  But I’m not disgusted. Not at all. No, I’m giddy with excitement over all of the lawsuits I now plan to file. 

  • I’m going to sue my former piano teacher for failing to make me a child piano prodigy, thus, destroying my chances of getting into The Julliard School of Music and becoming a world famous pianist.
  • I’m going to sue every single politician for failing to deliver on every single one of their campaign promises.
  • I’m going to sue Nickelodeon and Spongebob Squarepants for falsely teaching my children that snails go, “meow”, thus causing my children to fail their “animal sounds” exam in preschool and jeopardizing their chances for an Ivy League education.
  • I’m going to sue the Miller Brewing Company for claiming that Miller Lite tastes great and is less filling when the truth is, it is quite filling and does not taste great.
  • I’m going to sue the Black Eyed Peas for saying tonight’s gonna be a good night. Tonight was not a good night.
  • I’m going to sue Walt Disney World, the place “where dreams come true” because when I went to Disney World, my lifelong dream of pantsing Mickey Mouse didn’t come true.  
  • I’m going to sue the nurse who gave me my MMR vaccine at age 5 because she said the shot wasn’t going to hurt. It did hurt. It hurt a lot.

Long live the litigious USA!


I Share Clothes With My 4-Year-Old

My boys are back at school.  

Yippee! Woo-hoo! Rah-rah-ah-ah-ah! Roma-Roma-ma-ah! Ga-ga-ooh-la-la! Whatever the hell that means.  

R started 2nd grade and J started his last year of preschool, or what some call pre-kindergarten. One of the perks of pre-k is that the class goes on field trips.  I don’t know where they will be going on their field trips yet, but when R was in pre-k at this same school, his class went to the fire station, a local Whole Foods store and the police station.  Correction…they tried to have a field trip at the police station.  You see, when R’s preschool class arrived at the police station, they had to leave because the police were in the middle of throwing a perp in jail. (I heard the criminal was found guilty of disappointing 18 preschoolers and received 10 years with no chance of parole.  Who said our criminal justice system doesn’t work?) On field trip days, the children are supposed to wear their preschool t-shirts. Last week, J’s teachers sent each child home with a brand new preschool t-shirt. You wouldn’t think a t-shirt would cause confusion, but this one had me scratching my head.  

(The following italicized sentences are my thoughts. Because my thoughts are always more profound in italics.)  

Hmm, this shirt looks kind of large. What size is it? The tag says size youth small 6-8.  

Youth small? Are you kidding me? This shirt isn’t small, it’s big. Really big. Like Notorious B.I.G. big. You could fit a family of four in this shirt!  

J is small. A “normal” size small is big on him, so I figured this bizarro size small t-shirt would be HUGE on him.  

Is that a t-shirt or a dress?

As you can see from the picture, I was right…the t-shirt was ginormous.  Humongous. It was so big that the t-shirt could probably fit a grown adult like me.  

I wondered…  

Could I fit into a size youth small 6-8?  


Or maybe I could….  

Dude, where’s my head?

OMG, the t-shirt actually fit me!  

This means either:  

1. Some kid working in the t-shirt sweatshop put the wrong size label on the t-shirt or  

2. I’m a tiny human being and I need to shop in the children’s department  

I think we all know the correct answer.  

#2 of course.  

(My blog, my delusions.)