Happy almost Mother’s Day!
On the way to work this morning, I was listening to the radio. In anticipation of Mother’s Day, one of those
moronic wacky morning shows had listeners call in and share the biggest lie their mother ever told them. Well that’s easy. When I was around 5, my mother lied and told me that I chose my bedroom wallpaper. The ugly wallpaper with ugly pink, ugly green, ugly yellow and ugly white hexagons all over it. (Did I mention it was ugly?) For years she told me that horrible wallpaper was my first choice even though I distinctly remembered picking out white wallpaper with little pink flowers all over it. Twenty years later, she finally admitted that I hadn’t picked the hideously ugly wallpaper. Liar, liar, pants on fire!
I did not call the radio show to share my tale of deception because, let’s be honest, no one really cares about the story of a little girl and her wallpaper. No one except for my therapist. Wait, that’s not true. My therapist doesn’t care either. But the radio show did make me wonder if one day my sons will be telling stories about the lies I told them. (Yes, sometimes I lie to my kids. A shocking revelation, I know.)
Little Lie #1:
Me: What would you like to do today? (Please don’t say go to the children’s museum. Please don’t say go to the children’s museum.)
Son: Let’s go to the children’s museum!
Me: The children’s museum? Oh, no! The children’s museum is closed today.
Son: Closed? Why?
Me: It’s closed so they can clean it.
Son: Why don’t they just clean it at night?
Me: They do, but, um, a bunch of kids made such a huge mess that they needed an entire day to clean up the messy museum.
Son: Oh, OK.
Nah, my sons won’t be telling stories about this lie later in life. Too ordinary.
Clever Lie #2:
Son: Happy Mother’s Day!
Me: Thank you. You’re going to be good today right?
Son: Yeah. Why?
Me: Didn’t you know? Mother’s Day is the one day a year that if kids are bad, mothers can return their children to the hospital.
Me: Yes, it’s true!
Son: I don’t want to go back to the hospital. I’ll be good!
Yes, my children are gullible. Definitely one of my better lies.
Boldfaced Lie #3
Son: Who discovered heaven?
Me: Heaven? Who discovered heaven? Well…uh…heaven…let’s see…um….PONCE DE LEON! Ponce de Leon discovered heaven.
Son: Oh, OK.
Anyone know when kids learn about Ponce de Leon? Because it’s going to be pretty awkward if my 8-year-old declares that Ponce de Leon discovered heaven.
Oh yeah, this is the lie that my sons will be sharing with their friends. And their therapists.