Physician-patient confidentiality prevents me from identifying the patients I write about. But the patient I’m writing about today is no ordinary patient. Rules don’t apply to him. He’s a bitchin’ rock star from Mars. He’s…
Even though Charlie’s been super busy doing
drugs television interviews, radio interviews and hanging out with his goddesses at his Sober Valley Lodge, he still found time to visit me at my office.
Dr. Lori (knocks, enters exam room): Good morning Charlie.
Charlie Sheen: Morning Doc!
Dr. Lori: Charlie, why are you sitting on the exam table completely naked?
CS: I’m ready for my hernia exam.
Dr. Lori: Ah yes, the hernia heard around the world. But Charlie, you have a hiatal hernia
CS: Yes, I know. What’s the problem?
Dr. Lori: Your balls are the problem. PUT YOUR PANTS ON!
CS: (puts his pants on): Whatever you say, Doc.
Dr. Lori: So, how are you doing Charlie?
CS: Slap my ass and call me Tony the Tiger because I’m GRRRRREAT! I have tiger’s blood and I’m not talking about Tiger Woods. I am tiger, hear me roar! RRROOOAAARRR!!
Dr. Lori: Would you like me to refer you to a veterinarian?
CS: No, no. I’m an F-18. A G6. A 34DD. A B1, I18, N32, G54, O75. B-I-N-G-O. And Bingo was his name- O!
Dr. Lori: What the hell was that? Be honest with me, what drugs are you on right now?
CS: I’m on a drug. It’s called Charlie Sheen.
Dr. Lori: Sorry Charlie, that drug has been recalled by the FDA because it leads to projectile vomiting and anal leakage.
CS: Huh. So that explains the anal leakage.
Dr. Lori: Hey, what happened to the bottle of Purell I had on my desk? (sniffs Charlie’s breath) Good lord, did you drink the Purell?
CS: Well, duh! Who wouldn’t drink the stuff? It says it cures 99.99% of germs.
Dr. Lori: Soooo, it had absolutely nothing to do with the 62% alcohol content?
CS: Alcohol and drugs are no longer a problem. I have cured myself of my addictions. I cured myself with my mind.
Dr. Lori: Your mind? No AA. No rehab. You cured yourself with your mind. That’s hard to believe.
CS: Yes, an unevolved mind cannot process it. I can cure addictions, illness and injuries with my mind. But we must keep it a secret from the government. If they find out, they’ll capture me and run all kinds of scientific studies on me. Like they did to E.T.
Dr. Lori: OK. My lips are sealed.
CS: You see, if I had a hammer, I could use it to repeatedly smash my hand and then I would cure the broken flesh and bones with my mind. (gets up and starts dancing) If I had a hammer, I’d hammer in the morning. I’d hammer in the evening. All over this land…
Dr. Lori: I have a hammer. I can’t wait to see this. (hands hammer to Charlie)
CS: (takes hammer) Je vous remercie. Je suis une douche bag géant. Holy crap, I can speak French! Who knew? OK, 1-2-3 (smashes hand with hammer) YEOWWWW!!!! PAIN! PAIN! MOTHERFUCKING PAIN!
Dr. Lori: Pain? Can’t you cure the pain with your mind?
CS: Sometimes, ow, it takes, ow, a little longer, ow, for my mind, ow, to completely, ow, cure, ow, the, ow, pain, ow.
Dr. Lori: Shall I send you to x-ray now?
CS: No, no. I’ll be fine because I’m special and I will never be like one of you. I’m tired of pretending I’m not special. I’m special. Barney told me so.
Dr. Lori: Barney?
CS: Yeah, Barney the big purple dinosaur. That dino is deep, man. Hey, maybe I could get Barney to come live with me and the goddesses at Sober Valley Lodge. That would be bitchin’ awesome!
Dr. Lori: Charlie, I’m going give you a prescription for a life-preserver.
CS: Why do I need a life-preserver?
Dr. Lori: BECAUSE YOU’VE GONE OFF THE DEEP END! You’ve lost it. You’re loco. Cuckoo. Whackadoodle.
CS: I’m not whackadoodle. I’m WHACKADOODLE-DANDY!
Dr. Lori: Seriously Charlie, you need help. You have some serious psychiatric and addiction issues. You may be bipolar.
CS: I’m not bipolar. I’m bi-winning!
Dr. Lori: That makes absolutely no sense. You need help. I’m going to refer you to addiction specialist, Dr. Drew Pinsky.
CS: Dr. Drew? DR. DREW? I like to call him, Dr. Poo. It’s funny because Drew and poo rhyme.
Dr. Lori: I’m sorry, my normal brain can’t process that. If you refuse to see Dr. Drew, you leave me no choice. (picks up phone) Nurse, please send him in.
(Door opens. Tom Cruise walks in)
CS: Tom Cruise? What are you doing here?
Tom Cruise: Hi Charlie. I’m here to help you. Several years ago, people thought I was crazy. But I’m not gay
CS: You mean, you’re not crazy.
TC: That’s what I said. I’m not crazy. And definitely not gay. It was Scientology that helped me through those troubled times and it can help you too. I’d like to sing you a song I wrote just for you:
(to the tune of Row, Row, Row Your Boat)
I’m drunk. I’m addicted to drugs. I’m nuts.
I’ve lost it. Please help me.
Don’t take medications (they’re bad).
CS: No thanks, Tom. Scientology isn’t for me. You see, I’m special.
TC: Yes Charlie, you are special. I’m special. You’re special. All Scientologists are special. (puts arm around Charlie and leads him out of the exam room). Come with me and join our cult…I mean church.
CS: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! I’ll go to rehab, a inpatient psych unit…anything! NOT SCIENTOLOGY!!!!
TC: Stop resisting Charlie. You are one of us now.
Dr. Lori: Good luck Charlie!