Dear LeBron

It’s time once again for another blog post. What will Lori write about today? Will she choose to write about her kids? Her patients? Entenmann’s Devils Food Crumb Donuts? The answer shall be revealed now, as we return to The Decision.

Jim Gray: You’ve had everybody else biting their nails. So I guess it’s time for them to stop chewing. The answer to the question everybody wants to know: Lori, what’s your decision?

Lori: I am going to use my talents to go with the random topic and write about LeBron James. 

(Thunderous applause from inside my head the audience)

Dear LeBron,

It’s OK if I call you LeBron, right? I don’t have to call you King James, do I? What’s the deal with that “King James” title anyway?  Please enlighten me your royal highness. What exactly are you the king of? King of the court? King of the hoop? King of your cat’s litter box? To tell you the truth, I’m a little jealous of your royal title. You call yourself King James and you find fame and fortune. I wear a tiara and call myself Princess Lori and all I get is an involuntary admission to the psych unit. Life is so unfair!

So, man, what’s going on? Anything exciting happen over the summer? Ha, ha! Yeah, your name certainly cluttered up the headlines this summer. Everyone was guessing what team you would play for. The Bulls? The Heat? The Knicks? Stay with the Cavaliers? Be like Mike and go play for the White Sox? Too bad you didn’t choose the Chicago Bulls. If you had, their popularity would have increased and I could start wearing my Bulls rhinestone studded baseball hat again. Oh yeah, I rocked that hat in the 90’s! Sure, it would have been cool if you had played for the Bulls, but I have no problem with your decision not to join the Bulls. I do, however, have a major problem with you leaving the Cavaliers. And this is why:

Look what was in the school supply section at Target – a LeBron James notebook. Some clueless well-intentioned mother probably saw this notebook and thought, I think LeBron James is a popular athlete, so I’m guessing this notebook will be the hot item this school year. I’m going to buy it for my son because I’m such a hip mom.

What the hell am I is this mother supposed to do with this notebook now? There is no way my her son can use it. If he shows up to school on the first day with this notebook, he’ll be the laughing-stock of the entire school! (Well maybe after that kid who likes to pick his nose and eat his boogers.) What’s that you say LeBron? Return to notebook to Target? Well that only works if you have the receipt or used a credit card.  I This mother lost the receipt, paid cash and now Target won’t give a refund. So I’m writing you this letter asking for my this mother’s money back. I figure refunding the $2.49 paid for this notebook is the least you could do. I mean, you do have millions of dollars.

Millions and millions of dollars.

Millions and millions and millions of dollars.

Oh, did I say $2.49? My bad. I should have said I this mother paid $50,000 for the notebook.  Yeah, $50,000. For a notebook. At Target. Um, it must have been one of those special edition notebooks. Yeah, special. A special $50,000 notebook at Target. You believe me, right?

Thanks so much for the $50,000 refund LeBron! Enjoy Miami!

Your friend,

Princess Lori

[photo courtesy of EmmieJ]


2 Responses to “Dear LeBron”

  1. EmmieJ Says:

    Bwahahahaha! I think I should get a cut of the $50,000 refund for sure. I feel so bad for the kid that ends up with that notebook.

  2. jessica Says:

    I never leave a target without spending at least $45,000 myself. Hope you get the money. I can’t see why you wouldn’t.

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