The One With Lori’s Cookies

It’s quiz time! (Yes, I know you didn’t study. No, it won’t count toward your final grade.)

  • Dinosaurs
  • The Betamax
  • Castoroides ohioensis (Also known as the Giant Beaver. Why are you laughing? What’s so funny about a Giant Beaver?)
  • Mel Gibson’s career

What do these things have in common?

They’re all extinct.

You know what else is virtually extinct? The bake sale. Ah yes…the bake sale! Cookies, brownies and rice krispie treats sold for less than a dollar. The classic fundraiser for school clubs, teams and the PTA or PTO.

(What’s the deal with PTA vs. PTO? Is it an association? Is it an organization?  Did the PTO secede from the PTA because they were sick of being called the Parent-Teacher Ass.?  Alas, another one of life’s great mysteries that only Scooby Doo and the gang could solve.)

Schools don’t have bake sales anymore. Instead of a bake sale fundraiser, my son’s school sold wrapping paper. Wrapping paper? Wrapping paper is not chocolatey and delicious! With the increase in food allergies in children, I guess it’s too hard for schools to have bake sales. If they did, all the treats would have to be peanut-free/gluten-free/sugar-free/booger-free. And then they’d be taste-free.

I’m rooting for the bake sale to make a comeback. Normally I hate to am too busy to volunteer for school committees, but I’d definitely hop aboard the bake sale train. Baking cookies is one of my many talents and my cookies would kick ass at a bake sale.  I have a super easy old family recipe for making chocolate chip cookies from scratch. Normally I wouldn’t share my top-secret recipe with you because sharing is overrated. But today I’m feeling warm and fuzzy and drunk inside, so I’m going to share my recipe with you. If your kids are fortunate enough to go to a school that still has bake sales you suck, you lucky bastard, I suggest you use my recipe the next time you need to bake something for your bake sale. You’ll be glad you did.

And now, for your baking pleasure, here is my chocolate chip cookie recipe:

  1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees
  2. Break along prescored lines and place 2 inches apart on ungreased baking sheet
  3. Bake for 9 to 11 minutes or until golden brown

Your cookies should look like this –

Yeah, that’s right, my super easy family recipe for chocolate cookies made from scratch is the Nestle Toll House cookie recipe. Hey, I never said it was my family recipe, just a family recipe…the Nestle family (and Phoebe Buffay’s family as well).  And don’t try to tell me that my cookies aren’t made from scratch.  I think you need to review the definition of “scratch”. I don’t know what version of Webster’s dictionary you’re looking at, but in my copy, next to the word “scratch”  I wrote  it says “packaged cookie dough”. 

Peanut-free.  E Coli-free (right Nestle?). Booger-free.

The perfect cookie for your next bake sale.

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3 Responses to “The One With Lori’s Cookies”

  1. Beth Says:

    LOL! That is also the way in which I bake. I have also been known to follow this recipe:

    1. Get in car.
    2. Drive to store.
    3. Find the bakery section.
    4. Buy two boxes of cookies that someone else has made.
    5. Pay.
    6. Bring to home or office, depending on occasion.
    7. NOM NOM NOM.

    I am not much for baking…or cooking for that matter. I have learned how to grill this summer by necessity – my husband works late and I’m sick of eating dinner at 9 PM. I figure that I need to be good at one thing in life and I have chosen that one thing to be taking care of patients and families.

  2. Sherry Says:

    Yeaaaah! You made my morning! I saw that little (1) next to your blog and knew that I would be in for a good laugh to start my day. I’m in your corner when it comes to bake sales, yum! Wrapping paper, that’s just weird. I did hit the jackpot at our local Y the other day, they still believe in bake sales, but they weren’t less than a $1 though, however, totally worth the $3 they were asking!

  3. JP_Lu Says:

    You can’t tell the highly medicated girl to look at cookies! NOw I want some! Better start driving!


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