Today at the White House, Barack Obama called a special meeting to discuss the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico.
Barack Obama: Ladies and gentlemen, I have called you here today to discuss a very important matter – the oil spill. As you know, oil has been pouring into the Gulf of Mexico for weeks.
Joe Biden: Yeah, this is a big fucking deal!
BO: FOR CRISSAKE JOE, ENOUGH WITH THE F-BOMBS ALREADY! As I was saying, this oil spill is truly a catastrophe. The American people have had enough of BP’s incompetence and want this problem fixed. Just the other day, Sasha said to me, “Did you plug the hole yet, Daddy?”
Robert Gibbs: (whispers) Mr. President, that was Malia.
RG: When we concocted that story, it was Malia who asked if you plugged the hole.
Glenn Beck: Ah ha! Democratic propaganda! I knew it!
BO: Glenn Beck? Who let you in?
GB: Oh, I just tagged along behind the Salahis and their camera crew. (waves to Michaele and Tareq Salahi who are being chased around the table by the Secret Service)
Michaele Salahi: Be sure to watch our new reality show this fall on Bravo! (runs out of room)
BO: So far, BP has not been able to solve the oil spill problem. We cannot stand idly by as more and more oil pours into the Gulf. Let’s put our heads together and come up with a solution.
JB: (jumping up and down, waving his arms) Ooh, ooh! I’ve got a solution, chief! I’ve invited two special guests here today. No situation is too tough for these problem solvers. Please come in gentlemen.
(Richard Dean Anderson and Kiefer Sutherland enter)
JB: OK, MacGyver and Jack Bauer, we need you to build something to plug that hole. Here’s a cell phone, 3 paper clips, a roll of duct tape and a tampon. Ready, set, build!
Richard Dean Anderson: Uh, Mr. Vice President, MacGyver was just a character I played on television. My name is Richard Dean Anderson.
Kiefer Sutherland: I’m Jack Bauer and dammit, we’re running out of time!
RDA: Dude, you’re not Jack Bauer.
KS: Right…I’m Siefer Kutherland. No, I’m Reefer Butterland. No, no, I’m….drunk!
RDA: You’re drunk? At nine o’clock in the morning?
KS: My show was canceled. I need a job. And a drink. (passes out)
(Dr. Drew Pinsky enters with a wheelbarrow)
Dr. Drew Pinsky: It’s my lucky day! Another celebrity for my Celebrity Rehab show on VH1! (puts Kiefer Sutherland in the wheelbarrow and leaves)
BO: Thank you Joe for that colossal waste of time. Do me a favor…go check the constitution and let me know how I can get a new Vice President.
JB: Aye aye, chief! (enthusiastically runs off)
BO: Let’s do a little brainstorming. If someone has an idea on how to plug the hole, just shout it out.
Glenn Beck: Plug the hole with all 2000 pages of the health care reform bill!
BO: FOR CHRISSAKE, WILL SOMEONE PLEASE THROW GLENN BECK OUT ALREADY? OK, who else has an idea?
Bill Clinton: Plug the hole with Kim Kardashian’s ass!
BO: Dang it Bill, you weren’t invited to this meeting. What are you doing here?
BC: I just stopped by to check out the doughnuts. And the interns.
Hillary Clinton: Bill, keep your hands off our doughnuts. And our interns. Go home.
BC: Yes dear.
BO: Next idea?
Intern #1: How about plugging the hole with the cast of The Biggest Loser?
BO: Good lord, that idea is wrong. So very, very wrong.
Intern #2: Why not plug it with high-viscosity mud followed by cement?
BO: Why not? Maybe because BP already tried it and it failed! Does the name Top Kill ring a bell? Of course not, because you’re all a bunch of FUCKING MORONS! Screw this hope and change shit…in 2012 I AM OUTTA HERE!
HC: Woot! Clinton for President in 2012!
BC: But I can’t run for a 3rd term.
HC: Not you dumbass, me! And get your hand off that intern’s ass.
BC: Yes dear.