I am not a golfer. The only golf course you’ll find me on is the kind where you hit your colored golf ball into a giant clown head. Therefore, you can imagine how thrilled I was when a few weeks ago, the Sunday Chicago Tribune had a whole section devoted entirely to golf. So thrilled, I grabbed my pom poms and did a cheer – golf…BLEH! I was about to toss this golf edition in the trash when I read one of the headlines on the cover…and my jaw hit the floor.
“Behind closed doors, inside Chicago’s men-only clubs”
(Picks jaw up off the floor)
Yes, seriously. According to the Chicago Tribune article, there are 4 golf clubs in Illinois that cater exclusively to men. No girls allowed. Not only are women banned from playing on these courses, they are not allowed to set foot inside the club. Not even to use the bathroom. That’s right, a wife can drop her husband off at the club but if her bladder is about to explode, she’s S.O.L. The golf club doorman/bouncer/bathroom nazi will tell her, “NO BATHROOM FOR YOU!” and point her in the direction of the nearest train station or the closest bush she can squat behind. Hmm…I thought it was 2010 and women were no longer second class citizens but I guess I was mistaken. Are men-only clubs even legal? IS THERE A LAWYER IN THE HOUSE?
What’s more shocking than learning that men-only golf clubs still exist? Learning that one exists right where I live! OK, not right where I live. But pretty darn close. Bob O’Link Golf Club is a men-only golf club in Highland Park, IL. Since I have ovaries and a uterus, I cannot be a member of Bob O’Link Golf Club. But basketball superstar Michael Jordan is a member of Bob O’Link Golf Club because he has testicles. Also because he golfs and has a lot of money. Well, gosh darn it, that’s not fair!
As I mentioned before, I’m not a golfer. I don’t care what the difference is between a birdie and a boogey. (What? It’s not a boogey, it’s a bogey? Yeah, sure it is.) So telling me I can’t play on a particular golf course shouldn’t affect me at all, right? Wrong! I don’t like being told I can’t do something. I’m like a child, if you tell me I can’t do something, I’m going to want to do it even more. For example, when I was 10 and they told me I couldn’t eat a whole Dairy Queen Peanut Buster Parfait, I ate the whole thing. And when I was told I couldn’t wear white after Labor Day, I did it – I wore white after labor day. I may not have a Y chromosome but mark my words, I will set foot inside Bob O’Link Golf Club.
But how will I gain entry into Bob O’Link’s exclusive club? Oh, I’ve got a few ideas.
My first idea is to organize a boycott of the club. The negative press from a boycott will force Bob O’Link to change the entry rules. I’ll stand outside of Bob O’Link with my picket sign and chant, “LET THE LADIES GOLF! MY FAVORITE REINDEER IS RUDOLPH!” Hmm…maybe not. Who knew so few words rhymed with “golf”?
The next idea is to show up at Bob O’Link and demand to play golf. When they turn me away, I’ll have famed celebrity attention whore lawyer Gloria Allred represent me and I’ll sue Bob O’Link for sexual discrimination against women. Gloria will hold a big press conference and we’ll be all over the local and national news. And then I’ll parlay my 15 minutes of fame into a spot on Dancing With The Stars or Celebrity Apprentice. That could totally happen, right?
My first two ideas are good but this last idea is great. I’m talking Tony the Tiger Frosted Flakes grrrrreat! Remember the 1985 movie Just One of the Guys? No? Let me refresh your memory. In this 80’s teen flick, the lead female character doesn’t get any respect as a female journalist so she disguises herself as a boy so she’ll be taken seriously. If Bob O’Link only allows men, I’ll become a man. I don’t mean like how Chasity Bono became Chaz Bono. No, no, no. Taking a cue from Just One of the Guys, I’ll disguise myself as a man. Then my manly self will head over to Bob O’Link to deceive them. I’ll say, “Hello. I’d like to play a round of golf at your men-only golf club. Because I’m a man. Oh, don’t let my 5′ 3 1/2″ height and petite frame fool you, I’m all man. I have a very large penis.” They’ll totally be fooled into thinking I’m a man and I’ll be allowed on the golf course. Then once I get on the golf course I’ll drop to my knees, rip off my shirt to expose my sports bra a la Brandi Chastain and shout, “I am woman, hear me roar! Now someone get me an Advil, these motherfucking menstrual cramps are killing me!” I suspect after that, security will be called and a high-speed golf cart chase will ensue. But that’s OK. I will have successfully infiltrated this men-only golf club and since one woman was allowed in (even if she was dressed up like a man), all women would have to be allowed in after that.
A friendly message to all the men over at Bob O’Link – you might as well start installing a tampon dispenser in the bathroom now….your days of being a mens-only club are numbered.