No Poo Poo = No Choo Choo

Potty training is one of those shitty parts of being a parent.  (Potty training, shitty…get it? OK, I guess I’m just easily amused. Let’s move on….)  When potty training doesn’t go so well and frustration sets in, well-meaning people like to chime in with these words of wisdom: no kid goes off to college wearing diapers. I used to believe that, but now I’m seriously beginning to wonder.

R is almost 7 1/2 years old. When he was a toddler, he had no real interest in potty training. I didn’t push it; I figured when he was ready, he would sit on the potty. If he was potty trained by 4, I’d be a happy camper.  So when he was potty trained at 3 1/2, I was an even happier camper because…

(1) He was potty trained.

(2) With the upcoming birth of son #2 I wouldn’t have 2 kids in diapers.

(3) Did I mention HE WAS POTTY TRAINED! WOO-HOO!  

Since he trained “late”, when he was finally potty trained, that was it.  Done. Finished.  No accidents. Mission accomplished (truly mission accomplished, not the George W. Bush definition of mission accomplished).

J will be 4 in April. I had assumed he would be easier to potty train because he could watch R use the toilet and that would spark an interest. Wrong! J showed even less interest in using the potty than R had:

Me: When are you going to sit on the potty?

J: Tomorrow.

The next day

Me: When are you going to sit on the potty?

J: Tomorrow

The next day….yeah, you get the idea. My little smartass kid was never going to sit on the potty.  I thought maybe he’d use the potty if I gave him some kind of incentive….a bribe.  But bribery, usually very effective  in potty training, did not work at all. And believe me, I tried bribing J with some good stuff – candy, cookies, stickers, cars, trains, airplanes, a shopping spree at Target, a blank check.  I offered to buy him a TV to which he replied, “A big one like yours?” (FYI – our bedroom TV isn’t that big). I was so desperate I said yes, I would buy him a big TV. Despite promises of a big TV, he still refused to use the potty.  I was so mad I threw a shoe at my TV. But I missed because my TV isn’t that big.

Bribery failed (I guess we don’t have a future politician in our midst) so I moved on to tough love. I told J that if he did not poop in the potty like he was supposed to, I’d take away his favorite toys – his trains. His beloved trains.  Oh, how he adores those trains! I thought for sure this plan would result in poop in the potty for my son and a Nobel Prize in Potty Training for me.

He pooped. But not in the potty. So bye-bye went the trains. J shed some tears as I took the trains away but I told him that when he pooped in the potty, I would bring the trains back. A few days later, J and I were in the family room. He had no trains to play with so he was driving his cars on the train tracks. Suddenly I smelled something.

Me: Are you pooping?

J: Yes.


Faster than a speeding bullet (well, maybe not that fast…Mythbusters would totally bust me for using that expression) I picked him up, ran to the bathroom, took off his diaper, and plopped him down on the potty. The diaper only had two tiny turds in it, so there was still more poop to come.  He sat there for 10 minutes, absolutely refusing to poop even though I knew he wasn’t finished. Finally he did it….he pooped. In the potty!  Hallelujah! I was so happy that I would’ve done a cartwheel if it wasn’t for the fact that I was absent from school the day they taught cartwheels, so I never actually learned how do to a cartwheel correctly.  As a reward for pooping on the potty, I gave him one engine back. He was excited to get the train back and I was excited that pooping on the potty may become a regular occurrence. But my excitement would be short-lived. 

The following day J was at home with our nanny. They were playing in the family room when he grabbed that one engine that was his reward for sitting on the potty. He handed the engine to the nanny and said, “Here you go.”  Then pooped in the fricking diaper right in front of her!  What a little shithead stubborn little boy! This kid would rather lose all of his possessions than simply sit on the potty.

Do you hear something? Oh yeah, that’s just the sound of my head banging against the wall in frustration.

Yes, well-meaning people often say no kid goes off to college in diapers.  Wanna bet?


9 Responses to “No Poo Poo = No Choo Choo”

  1. Melanie Says:

    Love it, and lived it. We did charts, and it took months to fill up a 9-space reward chart. We did candy, other incentives, you name it. He refused. He started preschool 6 weeks before his 4th birthday. We’d ask during the summer, “When are you going to use the potty?” He’d reply, “When I go to school.”

    And he was right. He spent 2 days at school in pull-ups, started using the potty regularly, and never looked back. We had accidents, everyone does, but really, he decided when it was time, and that was it!

  2. Adam Says:

    It could be worse – my nephew Z – 3 1/2 at the time – (J is also my nephew also for those reading comments) was at a friend’s house. He was already trained but decided to crap himself while playing outside. Using your method of dialogue.

    Other Kid’s Mom – Z, why did you crap yourself?

    Z – My mom says it is OK to crap myself while outside.

    My sister, L, was none too pleased with this explanation when she found out about it and I’m not sure Z was allowed to return to that house. I guess the moral is better to poop in your own house in a diaper or pullup than make a mess of your underwear, even if outside in a friend’s backyard – as my sister apparently allows.

  3. Jim Brochowski Says:

    “I was so mad I threw a shoe at my TV. But I missed because my TV isn’t that big.”

    As someone who has thrown more than his fair share of shoes this is one of my fav lines of all time.

    Hang in there, no kid has ever gone off…

    Oh wait, you’ve heard that before. 😉

    Good stuff as always!

  4. melissakellas Says:

    Dude we got some of that going on at our house and my kid is a year older than yours. i hope your doesn’t last as long as mine. he is now refusing to poop in the potty. his 2yr old sister has been FLAWLESS. so i have resorted to putting princess pull ups (that is all i have left) on him. he is embarrassed but still tells me – “i don’t have to” GRRRRR

  5. kathygee1 Says:

    LOL! How frustrating. Handing the train to the nanny? OMG, that’s one smart, yet stubborn boy. Good luck, my friend.

  6. Ben Says:

    Dinosaurs. I’m pretty sure you have to use dinosaurs. And Mountain Dew, made from real sugar. And an extra dose of guilt.

  7. Julie Says:

    We’re in this stage RIGHT NOW. Stickers, candy… typical bribes. My 3-yr old goes potty, but not consistent. He says he’ll do it when he goes to school. Not sure I believe him. OMG, can someone loan me some tranquilizers please?

  8. It’s Potty Time! « Loripalooza Says:

    […] No Poo Poo = No Choo Choo […]

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