My Conversation With Tiger Woods

(Scene: in line at 7-11)

Me: (taps the shoulder of the man ahead in line) Excuse me, aren’t you Tiger Woods?

TW: Yes I am. How you doin’?

Me: Fine thanks. What are you doing at my local 7-11?

TW: Oh, you know, hanging out, enjoying a Big Gulp….wanna come back to my hotel room and have sex?

Me: NO!

TW: I’m sorry. That wasn’t me talking, that was my penis talking. Boy, my penis sure has gotten me into a lot of trouble recently.

Me: You can say that again.

TW: Boy, my penis sure has gotten me into a lot of trouble recently.

Me: (sigh) Not exactly a Mensa member, are you?

TW: I don’t know. Is Mensa a new club in Vegas?

Me: No. I’d like to ask you about your recent transgressions – what were you thinking?

TW: Oh, I left all the thinking to my penis. And my penis was thinking, I like sex.

Me: Well, what about your wife? How could you repeatedly cheat on your wife?

TW: By having sex with lots of other women that’s how.

Me: OK, I don’t mean how could you cheat, but why? Why get married if you’re just going to screw around on your wife?

TW: Helloooo? Have you seen my wife? She’s hot, blond and Swedish – all the traits I was looking for in a wife. Swedes are awesome! You know who’s a great Swede?

Me: Your wife?

TW: (laughs) You’re funny! No, the Swedish Chef from the Muppets!  I love that guy and his “bork, bork, bork” jibberish. Cracks me up! Did you know he’s not real, he’s a puppet?

Me: Yes. Yes, I know he’s a puppet. Why don’t you tell me what really happened the night of your car accident?

TW: My wife got a hold of my cell phone, read my texts and found out I’d been having lots of sex with lots of other women. At first she was very angry.

Me: Angry? Imagine that.

TW: I know! But then she stopped yelling and said I should meet her in the kitchen for tea time. I figured I’d have a nice cup of Earl Grey, maybe a scone. But when I got to the kitchen there was no tea, only my wife and a golf club. It wasn’t tea time, it was tee time.  She took that club and started hitting balls. And not golf balls, if you know what I mean.

Me: I understand what you….

TW: Testicles!  She hit me in the testicles! Have you ever been hit in the testicles with a Nike SasQuatch Tour driver?  

Me: Uh, no.

TW: Well it hurt. A lot! I jumped in my car to get away but I ended up crashing the car because I was distracted by the pain…the excruciating pain in my testicles.

Me: OK, thanks for clearing that up. I know you’re taking a break from golf, but what are your plans for the future?

TW: Do you remember the inspiring tale of Happy Madison? A former hockey player becomes a champion golfer. If a hockey player can become a golfer, maybe I, the golfer, can quit golf and become a champion hockey player.

Me: Um, you do know the tale of Happy Madison is not real, right? Happy Madison was a character in a movie….the movie Happy Madison

TW: Really? He wasn’t my playing partner at the Australian Masters?

Me: No.

TW: Oh. Then who the hell was that guy? Well, if I can’t be a hockey player, I think I’ll be a porn star. I already have the perfect porn star name.

Me: I can’t argue you with there.

TW: Hey, I recently lost some of my endorsement deals…could you give me a few bucks for my Big Gulp?

Me: No.

TW: No problem. Maybe that hottie at the Slurpee machine will pay for it. (walks over to girl at Slurpee machine) Hello…wanna come back to my hotel room and have sex?

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One Response to “My Conversation With Tiger Woods”

  1. Melanie Says:

    haha! This was great. You are a lot nicer than I would have been. 🙂


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