My Conversation With Tiger Woods

(Scene: in line at 7-11)

Me: (taps the shoulder of the man ahead in line) Excuse me, aren’t you Tiger Woods?

TW: Yes I am. How you doin’?

Me: Fine thanks. What are you doing at my local 7-11?

TW: Oh, you know, hanging out, enjoying a Big Gulp….wanna come back to my hotel room and have sex?

Me: NO!

TW: I’m sorry. That wasn’t me talking, that was my penis talking. Boy, my penis sure has gotten me into a lot of trouble recently.

Me: You can say that again.

TW: Boy, my penis sure has gotten me into a lot of trouble recently.

Me: (sigh) Not exactly a Mensa member, are you?

TW: I don’t know. Is Mensa a new club in Vegas?

Me: No. I’d like to ask you about your recent transgressions – what were you thinking?

TW: Oh, I left all the thinking to my penis. And my penis was thinking, I like sex.

Me: Well, what about your wife? How could you repeatedly cheat on your wife?

TW: By having sex with lots of other women that’s how.

Me: OK, I don’t mean how could you cheat, but why? Why get married if you’re just going to screw around on your wife?

TW: Helloooo? Have you seen my wife? She’s hot, blond and Swedish – all the traits I was looking for in a wife. Swedes are awesome! You know who’s a great Swede?

Me: Your wife?

TW: (laughs) You’re funny! No, the Swedish Chef from the Muppets!  I love that guy and his “bork, bork, bork” jibberish. Cracks me up! Did you know he’s not real, he’s a puppet?

Me: Yes. Yes, I know he’s a puppet. Why don’t you tell me what really happened the night of your car accident?

TW: My wife got a hold of my cell phone, read my texts and found out I’d been having lots of sex with lots of other women. At first she was very angry.

Me: Angry? Imagine that.

TW: I know! But then she stopped yelling and said I should meet her in the kitchen for tea time. I figured I’d have a nice cup of Earl Grey, maybe a scone. But when I got to the kitchen there was no tea, only my wife and a golf club. It wasn’t tea time, it was tee time.  She took that club and started hitting balls. And not golf balls, if you know what I mean.

Me: I understand what you….

TW: Testicles!  She hit me in the testicles! Have you ever been hit in the testicles with a Nike SasQuatch Tour driver?  

Me: Uh, no.

TW: Well it hurt. A lot! I jumped in my car to get away but I ended up crashing the car because I was distracted by the pain…the excruciating pain in my testicles.

Me: OK, thanks for clearing that up. I know you’re taking a break from golf, but what are your plans for the future?

TW: Do you remember the inspiring tale of Happy Madison? A former hockey player becomes a champion golfer. If a hockey player can become a golfer, maybe I, the golfer, can quit golf and become a champion hockey player.

Me: Um, you do know the tale of Happy Madison is not real, right? Happy Madison was a character in a movie….the movie Happy Madison

TW: Really? He wasn’t my playing partner at the Australian Masters?

Me: No.

TW: Oh. Then who the hell was that guy? Well, if I can’t be a hockey player, I think I’ll be a porn star. I already have the perfect porn star name.

Me: I can’t argue you with there.

TW: Hey, I recently lost some of my endorsement deals…could you give me a few bucks for my Big Gulp?

Me: No.

TW: No problem. Maybe that hottie at the Slurpee machine will pay for it. (walks over to girl at Slurpee machine) Hello…wanna come back to my hotel room and have sex?


One Response to “My Conversation With Tiger Woods”

  1. Melanie Says:

    haha! This was great. You are a lot nicer than I would have been. 🙂

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