(Scene: in line at 7-11)
Me: (taps the shoulder of the man ahead in line) Excuse me, aren’t you Tiger Woods?
TW: Yes I am. How you doin’?
Me: Fine thanks. What are you doing at my local 7-11?
TW: Oh, you know, hanging out, enjoying a Big Gulp….wanna come back to my hotel room and have sex?
TW: I’m sorry. That wasn’t me talking, that was my penis talking. Boy, my penis sure has gotten me into a lot of trouble recently.
Me: You can say that again.
TW: Boy, my penis sure has gotten me into a lot of trouble recently.
Me: (sigh) Not exactly a Mensa member, are you?
TW: I don’t know. Is Mensa a new club in Vegas?
Me: No. I’d like to ask you about your recent transgressions – what were you thinking?
TW: Oh, I left all the thinking to my penis. And my penis was thinking, I like sex.
Me: Well, what about your wife? How could you repeatedly cheat on your wife?
TW: By having sex with lots of other women that’s how.
Me: OK, I don’t mean how could you cheat, but why? Why get married if you’re just going to screw around on your wife?
TW: Helloooo? Have you seen my wife? She’s hot, blond and Swedish – all the traits I was looking for in a wife. Swedes are awesome! You know who’s a great Swede?
Me: Your wife?
TW: (laughs) You’re funny! No, the Swedish Chef from the Muppets! I love that guy and his “bork, bork, bork” jibberish. Cracks me up! Did you know he’s not real, he’s a puppet?
Me: Yes. Yes, I know he’s a puppet. Why don’t you tell me what really happened the night of your car accident?
TW: My wife got a hold of my cell phone, read my texts and found out I’d been having lots of sex with lots of other women. At first she was very angry.
Me: Angry? Imagine that.
TW: I know! But then she stopped yelling and said I should meet her in the kitchen for tea time. I figured I’d have a nice cup of Earl Grey, maybe a scone. But when I got to the kitchen there was no tea, only my wife and a golf club. It wasn’t tea time, it was tee time. She took that club and started hitting balls. And not golf balls, if you know what I mean.
Me: I understand what you….
TW: Testicles! She hit me in the testicles! Have you ever been hit in the testicles with a Nike SasQuatch Tour driver?
Me: Uh, no.
TW: Well it hurt. A lot! I jumped in my car to get away but I ended up crashing the car because I was distracted by the pain…the excruciating pain in my testicles.
Me: OK, thanks for clearing that up. I know you’re taking a break from golf, but what are your plans for the future?
TW: Do you remember the inspiring tale of Happy Madison? A former hockey player becomes a champion golfer. If a hockey player can become a golfer, maybe I, the golfer, can quit golf and become a champion hockey player.
Me: Um, you do know the tale of Happy Madison is not real, right? Happy Madison was a character in a movie….the movie Happy Madison.
TW: Really? He wasn’t my playing partner at the Australian Masters?
TW: Oh. Then who the hell was that guy? Well, if I can’t be a hockey player, I think I’ll be a porn star. I already have the perfect porn star name.
Me: I can’t argue you with there.
TW: Hey, I recently lost some of my endorsement deals…could you give me a few bucks for my Big Gulp?
TW: No problem. Maybe that hottie at the Slurpee machine will pay for it. (walks over to girl at Slurpee machine) Hello…wanna come back to my hotel room and have sex?