The good news is the Senate has come up with a health care reform bill. The bad news is it will cost around $848 billion. That’s one hefty price tag! Now the Senate has to find a way to pay for the bill. Their first idea was to check for loose change under the cushions of the Senate couches. Unfortunately they only came up with $1.32 which left them $847,999,999,998.68 short. Their next idea was to impose a 5% excise tax on elective cosmetic surgery which would raise an estimated $5.8 billion over the next 10 years.
I have never had cosmetic surgery. I have no plans on getting cosmetic surgery right now. But I have no problem with people who do choose cosmetic surgery. I’m not a fan, however, of people who go overboard with cosmetic surgery. For example, the other night Lisa Rinna (Days of Our Lives, Dancing With The Stars, countless Lifetime channel movies) was interviewed on television. In my opinion, she is the victim of one too many cosmetic procedures. There is something seriously wrong with her upper lip. Half of it is grotesquely swollen, the other half is more wrinkled than a shar-pei puppy. And only part of her upper lip moves when she talks. Thank goodness my kids weren’t around to see it – it would have given them nightmares. Hell, I think I may have nightmares about her freakish upper lip. Although I may not agree with Lisa Rinna or other people’s decision to have cosmetic surgery for the umpteenth time, it doesn’t seem right to penalize people with an extra tax for making this choice. If senators are looking for ways to raise money, they can start by taking a pay cut. Sure, it seems like a reasonable idea but I bet they would disagree. So I’ve come up with some new taxes to generate the $848 billion (minus $1.32).
The Gross Tax: This tax is for people who don’t flush or wash their hands after using a public bathroom and people who clip their finger or toenails on public transportation.
The Ugly Tax: This tax is for people who buy a luxury car (think Porsche) and select or paint it some absurd color like yellow, orange or lime green.
The Reality Show Tax: This tax is for any person who appears on a reality show. The tax increases based on the amount of time in the media and the amount of overexposure of the person (think Jon Gosselin, anyone with the last name Kardashian).
The Speedo Tax: This tax if for anyone who buys a Speedo. I don’t care that Speedos are popular in Europe, no one in America wants to see that.
The Oprah Tax: Doesn’t Oprah have enough money to pay for the entire $848 billion bill herself ? Probably, but if she won’t pay for the whole thing, she can just pay this extra tax. And if Oprah is paying an extra tax, all of her little lackeys who obey her every command will follow her lead and pay the extra Oprah tax also so they can be just like their supreme ruler Oprah.
The Snuggie tax: This tax for people who buy a Snuggie. Yes, you look like a dumbass in that Snuggie and you’re being penalized for it.
The Bad Neighbor Tax: This tax is for people who don’t take their Christmas lights down in a timely fashion. The tax increases the longer the lights remain up.
The Coconut Tax: This tax will be added to any product that contains coconut. Coconut – yuck!
The Cubs Fan tax: No, this tax is not what you think. This tax is for all baseball fans except Cubs fans. Haven’t Cubs fans suffered enough?
With these new taxes, our country will be able to raise $848 billion (minus $1.32) in no time. We’ll have health care reform and Lisa Rinna will be able to have more cosmetic surgery to fix that upper lip without an extra tax. Hooray!